I’m tired of smiling when inside i’m dying

Even the most positive souls struggle sometimes.

When I think of myself and my family, I think of light, positivity, and encouragement. I believe that my family and I do a great job of encouraging and being there for others (and I hope that if you know us, you’d say the same), but it’s sometimes hard to remember that it’s okay to not be okay too. It’s okay to be on the other end of the encouragement. I need to be uplifted and prayed for just as much as I uplift and pray for others and that’s okay. In a way, my not allowing myself to admit that has made me prideful and I want to lay that down right now in Jesus’ name. Will you do this with me? Lay down whatever you’re holding tightly to right now in Jesus’ name. Ask God to show you if you don’t know what that is.

If you know me, you know I struggle deeply (and that word doesn’t even begin to cover how deeply I struggle) with so much. I have always struggled with my mental health being diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, an eating disorder and psychosis as a child, but those struggles worsened drastically in 2020 when I was diagnosed with severe bipolar 1. Then later PTSD and OCD were added to the mix in addition to an updated eating disorder diagnosis. those struggles alone were enough to render me disabled.

But then 2023 happened and since Jan 1, 2023, I’ve developed 15+ chronic physical health conditions that cause me to vomit, tic, faint, seize, experience memory loss, limb weakness and paralysis, daily pain, bruising, swelling, autonomic nervous system dysfunction, breathing and brain abnormalities, heart dysfunction, immune system deficiencies and have rendered me an ambulatory mobility aid user amongst many other debilitating symptoms.

Between daily doctor appointments bouncing between 14 different providers, medications 4x’s daily, weekly infusions, and more, I’m tired. I’m so tired.

I’m tired of smiling when inside I’m dying. literally.

and I’m tired of pretending like I’m not afraid. and I’m afraid of feeling like I have to be strong enough to carry it all. I’m just plain tired.

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So why write about it?

I’m writing this for many reasons. The first is because writing has always been a sobering and creative outlet of mine. I am learning recently that while I have all of the support in the world, a supportive family and friend system, an attentive therapist to whom I pour my struggles out weekly, and a psychiatrist who believes in a therapeutic relationship with her patients I also meet with weekly, I am still finding myself lacking. That’s mainly because I need to pour myself into Jesus – and I’m working on that. But it’s also because I still keep so much buttoned up inside. And I believe that by sharing my struggles honestly, I may be able to bless someone else or be mutually blessed knowing I am not the only one struggling.

I am also writing this because I have found myself bedbound again. My health has declined so dramatically so quickly that I can do very little. Being able to lay here with my laptop propped on a pillow while I lay in bed typing out how I’m feeling gives me something meaningful to do when I feel so meaningless. I know this is the do-er in me looking to do when I desperately need to learn how to just ‘be.’

I also believe that sharing my life like this is a great way to watch how God works in and through me, as time goes on. So I hope to share more here, whether they be health updates or posts on how I’m *really* feeling about my health or anything else, you can find them here.

So if you’d like to be part of this space, you are welcome here. If you’re a struggling soul like me – and I have a feeling you are – please know, that you don’t have to put anything on or carry your baggage to show up authentically here. You are loved simply because of who you are in Jesus. I’m happy you’re here and I’m sorry you’re struggling but you’re in very very good company.

Oh also, smiling is not required here but is always welcome.

love you, friend

xx
Ashley Hope